It's less than three years until I'm 30.I’m at that age where everyone I know is engaged, already married, or at least in serious relationships that are expected to lead to engagement as soon as whatever is holding them back passes. I didn’t date in high school. A friend of mine and I visited the conversation multiple times but we kept coming back to two specific things that were vitally important to both of us that we disagreed on and respected each other too much to expect one to compromise. Other things, I’m sure we could've have worked around but these two specific things were not in question. I’ve only been in two relationships since then and neither lead in positive directions for either party involved.
And now I’m 27 years old and still single.
Since before graduating college I’ve been in that stage of life where every few weeks or months someone else was getting engaged or married. And now I’m in that stage where many of them are starting to have children. In an age when many are waiting longer to marry and start families I realized recently that I am one of the last of my group of friends to be married or at least in a serious relationship that could potentially lead in that direction.
I’m also at that age when everyone asks why you are still single or if there is a boy in my life. The answer to the first is long and complicated, and the answer the second is no. When I answer these questions, I have never had anyone directly express their disapproval but many of you are not as good about hiding your “something must be wrong with you” faces.
I am not single because I want to be. I long for the day when I have someone special to share my life with and build a family with.
I am single, because right now, I have to be.
I am single because I have high expectations and things I’m unwilling to compromise on just to be in a relationship. I’ve had many tell me to lower my expectations, and then others who remind me that to settle is not to live fully who I am meant to be. That is not to say that any of my friends have, but to say that I haven’t found the person who helps bring the best out in me.
I am single because I am extremely passionate, about EVERYTHING. I am ALWAYS needing deep conversation. I recognize that not everyone can live with someone who is constantly on a mission. Whoever I end up sharing my life with will have to be ok with the fact that I’m probably going to call people out when they are not showing love.
I am single because I haven’t found my ability to fully trust another. As much as I’ve shared, not a single person knows the severity of the emotional pain.
I am single because my social life is almost virtually nonexistent because I’m either babysitting, studying, or have been too overstimulated by the amount of social interaction I have had from work or babysitting that I’m left too exhausted to communicate with my friends other than text because I can respond when I feel like it.
I am single because I haven’t accepted that I am worthy of being loved. A few weeks ago, a friend asked why I was so stressed out, and I responded lots of things. He asked me to expand. I finally gave him a laundry list of things, and for the first time, I finally verbalized that insecurity. I’d thought it many times in other ways. I’d remembered the mistakes I’d made and wondered if I was worthy of redemption. I’ve spent my life reminding those I love that they are worthy and are loved. I’ve defended those who have harmed me the most, saying that even those who do the most harm deserve love, too, but never in my life have I believed it about myself. In my head, I know it. In my heart, I don’t believe it.
I know the list is longer than this but this are the ones I can pinpoint off the top of my head.
Being single at 27 sucks. There are days when I don’t want anything to do with my friends who are in happy relationships or marriages. I’m not naïve enough to think that every moment is perfect, but there are days that I’m more discouraged than others.
So, as I am now 27, I am nowhere near where I thought my life would be right now. So, I’m going to use this time to learn how to love myself, so that one day, I might be able to accept someone else’s.