To commemorate Jordan's life 5 years after her death, we have been posting a series of blogs every day for the past few days. This 8th piece was written by Poonam, Jordan's friend.
When I read through the utterly beautiful words written by everyone in memory of Jordan, all thoughts and pre-formulated stories leave my body, and I’m entirely filled with complex, often contradictory and nameless emotions.
Gravity feels heavier and I am dense and raw and a blackhole when I let myself truly go back to the day 5 years ago when Jordan died. Opening the door to the BunDun, hearing Stephanie scream (scream isn’t the right word) as she ran down the stairs after getting the call from Jordan’s Mom, running up the stairs, and all our bodies melting together, one person’s tears and anguish indistinct from another’s, piling on the floor outside Candice and Ajooni’s rooms, reaching for each other and a version of reality that no longer existed, where Jordan was alive. The intensity is so acute, that I don’t often let myself feel this, though the gravity of Jordan is always with me.
Even this week, I allowed my life to fill with mundane crap that “HAS TO GET DONE” – but the truth is, I sometimes avoid the intensity, and I’m learning to stretch my capacity to feel and be with what’s there.
This teaching has been one of the most precious gifts of my life, and I have Jordan and all of you who love so deeply to thank. In her life, Jordan expanded my ability to feel joy, connection, and love, and in her death, Jordan expanded my ability to feel joy, connection, and love. I’ve been crying for the last decade, either from laughing so hard I also pee my pants, or from deep sadness (and everything in between) – Jordan has taught me that life is whole and to experience the pinnacle of exaltation requires feeling it all.
I am a rich woman, covered in jewels of people I love – dead and living. It’s so damn easy to forget this sometimes.
Ajooni and I saw a 5 hour opera shortly after Jordan died. Einstein on the Beach. I think of this line from it often, if not every day:
- Poonam Dagli